All in my head

The Thursday night class is cuadro skills, which, in addition to advanced technique, encompasses bulerias, palmas, jaleo, etc. It’s a perfect supplement to my continuing work on my solo piece and I’m grateful that I’ll get to practice that in class a bit. But man, I tell ya, this is serious stuff here and I am SCARED.

At this point, I should have a pretty good grasp of bulerias and improvisation. And in my head, I do. I cannot tell you how many times I have freestyled in my living room to different letras. When I do, I feel pretty confident. I guess because I’m not thinking about it as much as I do in class when my teacher and compañeras are watching. I don’t know why; everyone is very kind and supportive. Just my own hang ups about getting it wrong and letting my audience down, I guess.

Sometimes I wish I’d been blessed with the gift of cockiness … I don’t know. Maybe if I thought I was super awesome at everything, I’d be more relaxed and able to perform better… And maybe I would have really pursued the arts when I was younger, and who knows where I’d be now … But no, I take that back. If I had a figuratively big head, people would call me a jerk and even my friends would talk smack about me behind my back. No, I never want to be that girl. I just want to feel completely confident without feeling guilty about it.

It’s like I was saying in my previous post: I’m pretty much the exact same person I was 30 years ago. The same personality, with the same insecurities and the same daydreams. Sometimes I still feel like that pale, gangly little shadow in the corner of the dance studio. Why won’t that little girl go away already?!

But I have come a long way since I started a couple years ago. Flamenco is freakin’ hard, so starting it in my 30s and actually seeing progress and feeling my body getting stronger has been a tremendous confidence builder. I still have a long way to go though, and one thing I need to work on is trusting my instincts; trusting that I’ll know the structure of a letra by just giving myself to it and feeling it instead of listening too hard. When I sing, I don’t read music and I don’t count measures, so why should dancing be any different?

Wow, tonight’s class brought up a lot of issues, huh?! I could keep writing, but I’m tired and I’m still in my sweaty clothes. Time for a shower; maybe the steam will help clear my head. Goodnight.