Just Like Starting Over

Maybe it’s the impending Mercury retrograde that has me off kilter. Maybe it’s the end-of-the-year-blues that are making me question my 2011 achievements or lack thereof. Or maybe it’s the sugar/caffeine crash I’m experiencing after consuming three cups of coffee, a diet soda, and 2-and-a-half doughnuts. Whatever it is, I’m feeling defeated.

You see, I can be very impatient, especially when it comes to the things I expect of myself. When I feel like I’m not where I want to be, I get frustrated and I start to reevaluate everything. Our next show is coming up in March and I’m super excited, but it also has me questioning my progress. Working on a new solo, I’m not only keen on learning it forward, backward and sideways, but also bringing something new to the table in terms of execution…

When does a dancer cross that threshold between simply dancing and actually being a dancer? What the hell do I have to do to get there? This is what hit me during my private practice this week as I critically watched myself in the mirror. I certainly see improvements since this time last year, but there are still dumb things I do that drive me crazy and make me feel like I’ve hit a wall. I think I’m experiencing some kind of flamenco dance student mid-life crisis; like I’m looking at myself saying, “I’ve been at this for a few years, I’m older, and I’m not exactly where I want to be. Shit! What do I do?! WHAT DO I DO?!?!”

The more I think about it as I’m typing this, maybe I need to think of it as starting the next phase of my training. Like, I’ve accomplished little milestones in phases I and II, and now I have to tackle new things in phase III. What do you think?

I suppose it would be foolish and egotistical of me to think that I should be any further ahead than I am because I know from everyone I’ve ever talked to that it takes for-EVER to get good at this dance. And I’m no better than anyone else. Damn.


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