Somewhere Between Calm and Fear

I have no relevant photography to share, so here's what I look like today.

A sense of calm came over me last Sunday after I spent time in the studio rehearsing my solo for our upcoming show. Before that I had been somewhat nervous after my private lesson with Rina a couple weeks ago, when I realized there were a few rough spots in the choreography I hadn’t worked out. But time alone with my thoughts and choreo let me work though these little bumps and get me to a place where I’m feeling ok, maybe even sort of good, about it all.

I was excited to post a video from that practice, but unfortunately I forgot to tap the record button on my iPhone. Bummer. I was so confident I got a great take, too. So to compensate for the lack of video and relevant photography, I’ve posted a picture of myself in front of my Mac as I type this post — it’s also how I look at the end of a long work day when my hair’s in a messy pile on top of my head and I’ve got more mascara under my eyes than on my lashes.

Anyway. You’d think by now I’d have more of a sense of calm about everything all the time. This will be my seventh student show and fifth solo, I think. This should be old hat to me, right? Yes and no. With each performance comes the pressure of being better than the last time. I can no longer use the excuse of, “Well, it was my first time” or “I’ve only done this a couple of times.” Nope, I’m a seasoned professional student now. I’ve got something to prove — to myself, at least.

Yes, I put pressure on myself, for myself. I need to see progress with each performance. It’s been six months since our last show and while that might seem like a significant amount of time to you, it seems like mere weeks to me. So I wonder, WILL I feel any different this time around? Has my technique gotten any better? Will anyone notice?

So, my fears have evolved from “OMG, I’m performing flamenco as a newbie and I’m scared because I barely know what I’m doing and people are watching me” to “OMG, I’m performing again and I’m not scared but I really want to give my audience a kick-ass performance.” I guess that in itself shows progress though, right? Of course, this is me speaking as a student dancer. Throw me into a professional performance setting and I’d probably be in newbie panic mode all over again.

I think too much, huh?


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